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did huge swings around the asymmetric bars, which could support my weight in a handstand walk, were much, much stronger than any muscle in Plum s skinny starved-
to-a-size-XXS body. She was no physical match for me, and she knew it, and for once in her life, I had managed to cause a genuine, honest look of terror on Plum
Saybourne s beautiful face.
I had no idea what I was going to do. But suddenly I was more scared of myself than the girl I was holding.
Scarlett Wakefield! called a teacher s voice from the stair landing. Scarlett, are you still there?
Her heels clattered down the stairs, and paused. As soon as I heard my name being called, I d let Plum go and stepped back, but I was surrounded by a semicircle of
girls who had moved forward to see what was happening between me and Plum. Plum had folded her arms across herself, and was rubbing her biceps with her hands,
wincing theatrically.
I hope there isn t a problem here, girls? the teacher said, in a voice that indicated that there had better not be.
No, Ms. Moore, Plum said demurely. Butter wouldn t melt in her mouth. We were just saying good-bye to Scarlett.
I m glad to hear it, Ms. Moore said dryly. Scarlett, your grandmother is waiting.
I gave Plum a last threatening look, and though she was no Sophia I couldn t make her go floppy at least she flinched. A small victory for me. I turned on my heel
and the group of girls shifted quickly, making room for me to pass through them.
Scarlett? Plum called.
I shouldn t have looked back. But I did.
Best of luck the next time you kiss someone! she said, widening her eyes, which made her look so beautiful that the contrast of her pretty face and her poisonous
words was really creepy.
Plum! said Ms. Moore sharply, but the damage was done.
Plum had won. Twice over. She d won because she pushed me so far I d actually used my grandmother to threaten her, something I hated myself for having done.
And she d won because, with her unerring instinct for people s weak spots, she had identified mine and driven a sharp knife right into it. When the inquest couldn t
identify what had killed Dan beyond saying that he had died of an allergic reaction, of course it was like they had given me a life sentence, even though I hadn t
been accused of anything. Until I knew what had killed Dan, how could I ever kiss a boy again? I would be too terrified that he would drop dead at my feet.
Plum knew that, and she d used it against me. I might have momentarily got the better of Plum Saybourne by scaring her witless, but she managed to get inside my head
and single out my biggest fear.
God, I hated her.
eleven
MILLSTONES AND ROPE BURN
There s a ping as another e-mail comes in. I stare at the sender, unable, for a moment, to believe what I m seeing. Then I grab my mouse and click on it, hoping against
hope . . .
From: gymgirlalison@pipserve.co.uk
To: scarlettwakefield@wakefieldhall.edu
Subject:
Stop ringing me and Luce. We don t want to talk to you. Plum and everyone are really picking on us cuz we were friends of yours which is COMPLETELY UNFAIR
and it s doing my head in. Don t reply to this. Luce says the same but she is so cross with you she wouldn t even write to you. Just pretend that we don t exist, like that
day you went off with Plum and sat on her stupid fountain. We ll NEVER FORGIVE YOU.
I delete it so fast my fingers almost scorch the keys.
Sometimes I feel even guiltier about betraying Luce and Alison than I do about Dan s death, because I don t know how Dan died, or what I did to cause it. But Luce
and Alison I know for certain it was all my fault.
There s no one I can talk to about this. And because I can t talk about it, I feel as if I ll never be free of it. Dan is dead, and his death will hang around my neck
forever. There s some expression like that, I think. Having a millstone round your neck, that s it. And what I did to Luce and Alison turning my back on them,
walking away from our friendship is a millstone, too. My guilt is weighing me down, pressing on me so it feels hard to breathe.
I have to get out of the house. It s five-thirty. I was going to do some homework, but now my mood s so bad that I can t concentrate. I thunder down the stairs, taking
them two at a time and raising a complaint from Aunt Gwen, who s in her office marking essays. I barely register her, though, because I m thinking about millstones.
They re big and round and they have a hole in the middle. I expect the idea came from that hole you imagine having a big heavy stone slung over your head, hanging
round your neck, so heavy that you could barely stand up under its weight, let alone walk or run. That s what my depression is like, a weight so backbreaking that it s a
real struggle to act normally worse, sometimes I don t think I even know what acting normally is.
I killed someone. Someone I really liked. It s not just that Dan is dead, it s that my dreams of getting to know him, going out with him, maybe even falling in love with
him, have been shattered. And I never kissed anyone before. It was the most amazing kiss, and it was over almost before it began. I m scared I ll never have that again,
an incredible physical connection with a boy. I ve lost something that I only had for the briefest moment, but was the best thing that had ever happened to me in my life.
Oh yes, and I betrayed my two best friends just so I could go to a stupid party where I was supposed to be the going-home present for Simon, who didn t even know
me.
No wonder there s an enormous great whacking millstone round my neck.
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